Been a while again. Just before January ends, let me write something short about presence and self-healing.
As 2019 passed, I look back, and I found that it was so hard. 2019 crossed out my path to something I’ve been planning for years ago. Like a dawn mist, it’s gone eventually when the sun rises. By the end of the year, my hope has almost completely gone. But like Kelly Clarkson once said, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” I wish I am now.
We make plans, and sometimes we fail. It’s okay. It’s fine. I used to be somebody who hates being failed. I would resent myself for being so incapable. But then later, I realize it wouldn’t make myself better. I learn to accept, appreciate, and thank myself. It’s been a tough year for me, 2019 is. My husband told me, “if we fail, we can make a new plan. Don’t worry.”
He’s right. As long as we together have each other’s back, everything is going to be okay.
So now, I design my plans. They don’t have to be grand ones. I prefer them small but definite. By being mindful, I realize that I like the scent of a fresh, clean linen from my washing machine; the morning breeze when I open my window on 6 am every day; the spring wind that blows when I wait for my bus; the songs in my playlist; the smell of my coffee and many other small things.
This year, I plan to spare an hour a day to doing something I like. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to be being present, not to worry about things I shouldn’t. I like myself to be more honest: cry when I’m sad and laugh when I’m happy.
Slowing my pace is something new for me. I don’t like being slow in many ways. However, now I want to try this. It’s like a snail climbing a tall tree to see sunrises. As long as I don’t give up, I would get in there. It’s okay to be slow; it’s okay to be the last in a race. Nothing is wrong about that as long as I find my happiness and being present.
I don’t want to feel I’m in a rush into somewhere strange anymore. It feels like being chased by something scary. Sometimes, I wonder how my younger self survived this life, so I thanked her for her efforts. But now, I want to be present, for myself and my little one. It’s okay to have a grand wish for this year, but I choose not to. I mean to let myself enjoy the flow and find my peace on a daily basis.