What has been changed in my early 30s?
My marriage to this very nice man has changed my life forever. Not only publicly binding myself to one person, but also demanding a determination to build a family. I didn’t realize how is it until I have one. It requires me to amend my perspective, change my lifestyle, and compromise (some of) my values. All of them are to be on the same level, frequency, and path with my husband so we can walk our journey hands by hand. Not easy, darling. Not easy. Our first four years were full of dead-ends where both of us maintained our values high with very little inclination to meet one agreed point (at least from my ground).
Then I realize that this is my biggest milestone in life. It changes the way I look at things and people. It helps me to realize that no matter what, there’s a home you should come to by the end of the day and it’s your family. Nobody wants their family becomes hell on earth, where egos take the rein. It’s so much easy to lose control over yourself in an argument, and it’s easier to not forgive. These two things –self-control and forgiveness— are the essential skills to make our marriage afloat.
Through this marriage, I learn that admitting I was wrong and asking for forgiveness is not lowering myself. I have made mistakes and will always do. It’s on me to fix myself and to move forward to not hurt my family more. But deep down inside, I also realize that my husband and my child have made mistakes and they will do it later intentionally or not. It’s my part to give forgiveness. Eventually, it increases, and I become more forgiving these days, to give up on arguing over small things. It stressed me out and I am not immune to depression.
Over time, marriage (with other many things along) teaches me how to become weak. That I have one person I rely on, it’s nice. I don’t have an easy childhood, to be honest with you my dear readers. I must depend on myself on teaching myself to climb up the stairs, make my parents proud of me, avoid conflicts in my family, and be self-sufficient emotionally. My childhood curved my adulthood where I don’t believe anybody but myself to help me. I didn’t ask for help because I always think that nobody could and would help me but myself when I turned for some help. However, as I know how hard it is to be helpless, I always try to be there when someone needs help. It makes me powerful; it makes me strong or at least that is what I thought. Until he came, one person who was there and will always be there for me. For the first time, with my all my vulnerability and weakness, I run to someone who sincerely opens wide his arms. It feels so nice, so light, and so liberating. I can’t ask for more.
Marriage to him doesn’t require hard work as others. We, originally, didn’t have any great love story or long-term relationship, to begin with. But I know I marry the right person. I find my love life with many years ahead to enjoy. I find my best partner to get through this sometimes-muddy pathway of life. I find my new values that are better than the old ones, and that I’m ready to share with my child. I believe that marriage and family life wouldn’t be always a garden and butterflies, but appreciating our time is the most precious matter.
Some said that blood makes you a family. Not always the case. Because blood makes us related. To me, my husband was a stranger. His loyalty, his endless care, and his love for us make us family forever.