Reunion Story

[Part 3]

Hold on.

It’s too soon. I would never forgive myself if I don’t push you back. So, I choose to live with the regret of letting you spitting your apology.

“I was insane. I don’t know what to do. She took all my life in a second. That I should’ve told you from the very first, I have a twin. Like before he took his own life, he had this girl and a baby.”

Again. Hold on.

“So this girl came, with teary eyed and a red baby in her arms, asking me to take care of them. My decease twin passed me a thing that never been mine: his responsibility. I was speechless, Nina. Believe me.”

Wait. There are a lot of things that couldn’t fit in my head. A twin. A decease twin. A twin’s girlfriend with a baby. A twin’s girlfriend with a baby coming to him asking a responsibility.

Well, slow down.

“Then, I refused. All I could think about is you, my future. But the next day, she put a note on my desk that she wouldn’t bother to kill the baby then kill herself if I didn’t change my mind.”

“But why didn’t you tell me? How could I not know that you had a twin. We’ve been together in years. How could you hide it?”

“Because I don’t want you be hurt this way. I know it is cliché. I know it is bad. Very. But I couldn’t think at the time, Nina. I just don’t want to lose you but apparently you’re gone.”

“No. I wasn’t gone. It was you.”

The chilly wind blows my hairs and it strikes me to the reality.

“I just want you to understand me, Nina.”

“That is a huge demand.”

“I know. I know. I couldn’t ask anything. But, let me ask for once. She was insane. I could understand how my twin finally chosen to say goodbye to this world and everything. It is better than stay with her.”

Now, you put something in my wit.

“I am listening.”

You stopped. Then I realized, we’ve arrived in my front door apartment building. Okay, let’s end tonight here. Maybe tomorrow. I will need an extra sleep to ensure this is not a dream, to decide that whether it is a good or bad.

“Can we have a cup of tea? I miss your bergamot one.”

 

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(PART 2)

We then walk in silence, holding hands. I couldn’t draw my hands of yours. That I think its fit perfectly. With the warmth of you beside me, my memory flew back years ago. Our days were so perfect and everything went good until that day, a woman who cut the loose came. Taking you away and leaving me heartache forever. It was that simple, you went away.

Now that you come again. All my fortresses are freezing into an ice and I am skating on that thin ice. Before, the itch was something easy to scratch and you changed everything.

“I don’t know why I left.” You start with words I prefer left unspoken.

Keep silent is my choice. I would never want to hurt myself by giving you any chance to make it verbal. I want you to put it –whatever you may say it, there far the day you went away.

“But I know.” Then, I stop walking not loosening my hands. I want you to see me in the eyes. Directly.

“Yeah, it was so clear anyway. I know I won’t be forgiven. I don’t ask for another chance either.” Your gaze stops at mine, looking for something you may find. A madness. Tears.

“I believe you did. Giving you chance will also cost me another wound that I perhaps can’t deal with.” I better kill myself rather than giving you a shot to shot me in the heart with all your capabilities letting me down.

“I am sorry.”

I then continue to walk, still with your hands holding mine. I don’t want to bother myself to ask this and that, questions remain unanswered. No, they are all answered by my analysis as someone who hurts to the bone.

“Nina,” The way you spell my name, I really hate to admit that I miss it so much. “I don’t know how to start this over again because I don’t know if its okay to start it.”

“Don’t start anything you’ve threw! I am broken, Jem.”

I spill your name out. My defense is totally crushed tonight. Then you stop. Drawing me to your arms again, –twice tonight– and bend your head kissing me. It is a gentle kiss. Stupid, I am crying.

It has been said and done. I. Belong. To. You.

The dream of being with you forever is still there. Waking up is hard because the limbo you’ve been building since we met is the beautiful thing I have.

I live in the dream. I don’t live my life. I am zombie in a day light with routine like a human being. Inside, I am broken. Nobody noticed, but myself. How hard you have tortured me. Its my time to revenge you. But not, I don’t have energy. Furthermore, I don’t own those capabilities like you did to leave someone you love.

It is me who break the kiss. Kiss that I’ve missed. Kiss that wakes my mind.

“Nina, bear with me and I will explain.”

(Part 1)

Standing there in front of me, a man with deep brown eyes and dark brown hair, and oh with his smile. My beating heart betrays me; it aches me knowing you are now back. My thought wanders a few years ago, when I saw you walking away. It hurt me thou, my heart was bleeding. A hard bleeding no bandage could stop. Oh, if only you were there seeing me after heartlessly you left me.

My body is shaking. I pray a lot for my legs not to collapse in a minute like a jelly on my weekend desert. And, my mouth is sealed. I look at those lips. Remembering I used to taste it and I still long for it. Until, you say something. “Hi, there.”

What do you want? my voice inside speaks. Instead, I reply “Hi.”

I think you don’t deserve my hi. I should walk away like what you did on a summer day five years ago. I was stoned that day. Consider that I would’ve die tomorrow when sun rose. But, it is cruel. I stay alive to watch you standing in front of me in this snowy afternoon.

“How are you?” You ask this silly question. Oh please don’t show that smile, smile that I always want to forget. I buried. I am just a few days away of my victory getting over you. I hope. You just break it, my hardwork, in a second. How powerful!

“Good.” Such a lie. “And you?” I can’t believe myself asking you back. You should run! I shout to myself. Again, my legs betray me. I stand still. Tell me, I hate how my body doesn’t work the way my thought. My body and my heart, likely, belong to you. Until this time. Really?

“Not too good, but it is okay.” That smile again. “Where are you heading? Can I walk you?”

No. No. No. “I am on my way home. Still waiting that bus. 62 bus.” That long answer I shouldn’t let spill out of my mouth. Hey, my lips! Stop betraying me, please! At least stay in my side.

Five seconds silent. Thanks God! Let me think for a while, preparing some wise words to say. A wise goodbye, a proper one from me. Can I?

“Would you allow me to see you in your door step?” You pull me back into my real in time situation. Mean time.

“Sure.” Well, I’ve just cursed myself.

That time, I hate myself more than I hate you.

“You do good? Still working hard, yeah?”

I can see your artery in your neck. I like the way your low voice reaches my ears.

“It’s been a year ago. I quit. I am now teaching.”

“Wow, it’s been a long time thou.” A silent that I can’t resist. “You know, I miss you Nina.”

Suddenly, you put me on your arms and hold me tight as I will run. That smell of sandalwood and red musk pushes into my lung. I can’t breathe. I can see my bus passes me. But, I enjoy this moment. Well, it seems like I can’t hate you.

To be continued, next day perhaps (?)